Callum McDonnell: Aberystwyth’s New Year’s resolutions

IT’S NEW YEAR’S BOXING DAY, the eighth day of Christmas and I am yet to receive my partridge in a pear tree, the two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, five golden rings, six geese a laying, seven swans a swimming, nor the eight maids a milking, I was promised. Am I the butt of some malicious age old fairy tale scam? I am not sure.

2012 has been a fantastic year. Could my partridge unwittingly have built its nest in a diseased Elm tree, soon to be forcibly removed by the Forestry Commission? Has Ban Ki Moon sent my doves on a doomed mission to forge peace in Syria? Have my French hens embroiled themselves in a 75% tax rate dispute with Francois Hollande in Paris? Did John Terry elope with my birds? Instagram sell my rings on without my knowledge? Have my geese had their phones hacked? Swans flown into the fiscal cliff? Maids met Silvio Berlusconi? I think it all unlikely.

Whatever has happened, I feel a little saddened. Much like many in the void between Christmas day and the start of the New Year, a little melancholy can creep in. Singletons surrounded by couplets. The fat surrounded by food. We reflect on our respective 2012s, whether cracking or full of cracks. It is thus traditional to make a few New Year’s resolutions. Dating sites and gyms see their memberships soar. Red faced joggers emerge in shiny new lycra. Conspicuous levels of fruit and vege enter supermarket trolleys. Old friends now want a regular coffee. But what of us content Aber students? I have some suggestions:

The Hugh Owen regular:

They hate a book rack city glitch. Love a swivel chair. Overdue? They’ll take your P’s. Stacking journals makes them hench. Eduroam? They run that s***. But ‘panda rape’ and semi nude pics have slipped through the net. For Information services, a new firewall system will be the much needed 2013 resolution.

The Rugby lad:

Rugby’s their game. They never miss a social. Like pints of piss? You’ll love this team. When the Union says BUCS, they say Schmucks. They put the P in pint. But will the Academy welcome them back? For the first XV rugby team, a new bar is the ultimate, must find 2013 wish.

The caffeine addict:

He loves coffee. Decaf, soya milk, no sugar, no ethical tax plan. He roasts his beans in the Union allotment. Union deficit reduction is his thing. But is Starbucks the solution? For Students’ Union President Ben Meakin, a tax-transparent coffee franchise is the must have 2013 resolution.

The high flyer:

She’s bought a Rolls Royce but she’s driving a donkey cart. She hates timetables. She loves mergers. Strategic plans are what she lives for. For Pro-Vice Chancellor, April McMahon, a new sensible and fair submission policy, is the 1st class honours, 2013 resolution.

The Facebook page:

They love sex, drugs, drink and debauchery. Pier Pressure? Why Not? Student tales are their thing. But not allowed to associate with the University, can they survive? For Aber confessions, refresher tales will be the much sought after 2013 wish.

The generic student:

You drink too much, you work too little, you never joined that club or society?  Your 2013 resolution is simple. Do some work. Smash your exams. Go out and celebrate. Start something new; 2013 will be a good year.

Whatever your wish or resolution, Happy New Year Aberystwyth.